Man demands SWAT team deliver him pizza and marriage with Paris Hilton

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Man barricades himself in hotel, demands pizza and to marry Paris Hilton

Charlotte Observer says: "Police said an Oregon man barricaded himself in a Belmont [North Carolina] hotel on Saturday and demanded pizza and to marry celebrity Paris Hilton. ... Several agencies, including the Regional SWAT Team, responded to the scene ... After hours of negotiating, he was pepper sprayed and taken into custody. Authorities say hes had several run-ins with SWAT Teams in other states."

Eric says: Hey, sounds like a match made in heaven. He and Paris Hilton have a lot in common: They both enjoy long walks on the beach and going to jail.

Chuck E. Cheese transforms into a rock star, still cannot stop Chuck E. Cheese brick-and-knife attack

Chicago Sun-Times says: "Chuck E. Cheese has been given the pink slip. The company that operates the chain of childrens pizza restaurants is retiring the giant rodents outdated image [and replacing it] with a revamped image of Chuck E. Cheese as a hip, electric-guitar-playing rock star."

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says: "Police took one woman into custody [Saturday] night after they said she walked into the Monroeville [Pennsylvania] Chuck E. Cheese's with a brick and a knife and started a fight. ... A man was having a birthday party for his son inside the restaurant ... his ex-girlfriend walked into the building about 7:30 p.m. and attacked his new girlfriend. ... Another woman who tried to intervene in the fight was bitten in the chest."

Eric says: "Mom's in a brick fight" is the secret to a birthday party a child will never forgot.

Bad news: Foul creatures climbing out from the cemetery ground to go on crime spree. Good news: Woodchucks.

The Register Star says: "Hudson Police believe they have identified the perpetrators of a rash of flag thefts in the Grand Army of the Republic section of Cedar Park Cemetery. ... Around 75 flags have been reported missing from Civil War graves ... The culprit? Woodchucks. ... Apparently, some flags are now coated with a substance that attracts woodchucks ..."

Eric says: Finally an answer to: "How many flags would a woodchuck steal if a woodchuck could steal flags?" Oh, around 75.

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Eric Millikin is an artist who enjoys bizarre stories and cracking jokes. All BFFs can send your Bizarre Fact Findings to eamillikin@freepress.com, your jokes go in comments. For more like this, visit freep.com/ericmillikin